I am not gay? Get serious

If a man gets his dick sucked once in a while by another man, and knows how that is accomplished in men’s rooms, that does not automatically make that man a homosexual. Those sorts of hookups go on all across America. Don’t believe it? Check out Craigslist personals. There are tens of thousands of men every day who, like Senator Craig, think that way about themselves. After all, they may have only done it occasionally; they may have done it out of sheer sexual convenience; they have only been on the receiving end of an oral, or perhaps a top. Throughout it all, they may have never even kissed another man. It could happen that way.

More likely, I think some of these men are confused, and others, perhaps, are being opportunistic. In any case, all of them are lying to themselves and their families. They are ashamed of what they do. Their acts provide an outlet, then their deceit and shame takes over for a while, but the need or desire always comes out again—sometimes in very destructive ways.


Many of these men, certainly those of a certain age and status, have never had to confront themselves with that central question. And there are many other traditionally-raised younger men who are simply afraid of being gay men.

I was one of those men.

Seven years ago, I had to make that decision. I had been waiting for my time—when the children would be old enough to know me on my own terms, rather than the ones I knew would be defined by my ex wife.

I had known I was gay for many years. I had endured a horrible, empty marriage. Yet admitting to myself and to my family that I was gay was still the most painful leap I have ever taken. It was a step into the void, where my future was uncharted. It would have been so much easier to have an affair with a woman than to come out as a gay man.

Fortunately, I had a core of friends who did not forsake me. My children, too, stayed by my side—as we grew to understand together who dad is.

For those who are struggling with this issue. Come to terms with yourself. Look around you. There are strong, good men who are out and gay.

But for men like Senator Craig, whose shame in this instance has driven him deeper into denial. You get what you deserve. You will never be free.