Will it Play in the Heartland?

Gay bars closing? A sign of the future?

If you read the gay press, you may have gathered this week that the era of the gay bar is over. Based on a number of bar-closings in some major cities like Orlando (ok, well a mid-major city, anyway), some gay pundits have determined that gay culture is on the wane, and that is because we, as a group, are less likely to seek out our exclusive haunts, since we have so many straight friends who like it when we call each other “Mary” at the local sports bar.

Somehow, I think the issue is a little more complex than simple conjecture about a few bars closing and whether there has been any real social progress in regard to gays and straights accepting each other in a shared bar or open public setting.

Last time I checked, gay still doesn’t play in the straight bar world. I mean, one or two of us in a bar is always ok, always has been—as long as we know our place and act straight. Play by the rules—flirt with a woman, even. Compliment their shoes—oops, that’s too gay.

According to Kinsey (the movie and the PBS documentary as citations), gay bars were a refuge, a place where men (primarily) could do all those things that couples take for granted. Behaviors like hugging, kissing, dancing and flirting among same sex individuals and couples were, in that day, subject to prosecution (and some might argue, still are). Bells on the doors of gay bars, and discreet entrances were there for a reason--to keep such things off the street. Gay bars served to let gay men and women interact without fear of public reprisal.

One of my biggest frustrations with coming out after a long standing opposite sex relationship, was the social restrictions I felt about public displays of affection. Although we rarely walked hand in hand, doing so with my wife would never have caused a stir because it is acceptable public behavior for straight couples to do so. However, when I started dating men, and when I have had a boyfriend, how we behave always depends on the town or community where we find ourselves. I struggle with that double standard.

Last winter, I went on a day trip to the Detroit International Auto Show with a guy I was dating. At the event, we never put an arm around each other, never had an overt or even a covert gesture of affection, such as a hand on the knee or a quick pat on the shoulder. We appeared as straight friends that day, not potential partners. But something in the crowd made me feel that anything other than that would have been socially unacceptable in that setting. I don’t like how that feels.

Sometimes, that frustration comes out. Last summer I was in Chicago, visiting a couple of close friends. Staying with us was a wonderful man I know from Ohio. When it was time for him to leave, I gave him a huge hug and kiss in the parking lot of a restaurant where we had just eaten breakfast with our gracious host. I didn’t care that others might see us kiss. I was from out of town. I didn’t have to deal with any long term retribution for doing so.

Until men and women are free in our society to publicly express their feelings towards their same sex friends and lovers, there will be a need for gay bars. Until I can walk hand in hand to my movie seat with my next date without getting a reaction, I will have to go to a gay bar.

Until then, I will remain somewhat frustrated.