For better or worse

Would they have done it if they could have? Would it have made a difference in the end?

I have two close friends. They have been together (living separately) for seven years. They are lovers, buddies, boyfriends, partners. That’s all they could ever be, legally. Not husbands to each other—that can’t happen. So, maybe that’s why it didn’t?

Now that their relationship is in a rocky spot, what happens? In some instances, I suspect, it gets set aside because there is no legal commitment. But, in this case, the rocky spot is a core issue—priorities of attention and, essentially, respect and love are at issue. Now they are thinking of ending the relationship. Would it be different if they had been married? Would a legal expression of love have triumphed, or made it more of an ideal or standard in their relationship that could have weathered this time?

Sometimes I think so. Having been married, the legal union is a permanent bond of commitment that takes a relationship to a stronger level. That does not mean that a non-legally-binding relationship cannot have the same type of bonds, it just means that a non-binding relationship doesn’t have to, and often doesn’t.

A second reason may be the lack of tradition in gay relationships. Without the institution, men and women were forced to set their own standards, and for many reasons, they may have chosen lesser bonds of commitment. Gay couples have had the freedom to define their own relationships, and often, they eschewed the conventional, monogamous or traditional form of a relationship. While straights also have that freedom to define their relationship, the legal relationship itself is not, and they find themselves bound together despite their feelings.

A conundrum, to be sure. Whether to be gay and free, or whether freedom is, as Janis sang, “another word for nothing left to lose.”

And when you have something to lose, such as your legal rights or privileges, you may think twice about how you handle your relationship.

Meanwhile, I have two friends whose relationship is on the rocks. Would they have married? Probably not. Are they better off without that option? Of course not.

While I am not sure it would make a difference in whether they stayed together or not, I think it does give a person pause, when thinking about changing or ending a relationship. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health....